Tuesday, May 3, 2011

From guilt to perk

I fear I am beginning to sound like a broken record, but I have been very tired recently.  I also fear I am running out of excuses now that Frances is sleeping better and the weather has been less gray and gloomy.  Since leaving work six weeks ago (!), I am still trying to figure out our daily routine and in the process I am running myself into the ground.

Today in fact, I was so tired I decided to take a nap during Frances and George’s naptime.  This was no easy decision; I toyed with it for several hours leading up to naptime (which is essentially the entire morning).  Naptime is the only hour (or more if I’m lucky) of daylight I have to get things done without the children pulling on me – laundry, dishes, returning calls, paying bills, making to-do lists (a favorite of mine), checking items off of the to-do list (my all-time favorite!), writing, cooking…you get the picture.  It is most certainly not the time to do any of my own napping.  But I threw in the towel.  As I was putting Frances into her bed, I realized that I was either going to need to lie down or spend their entire naptime devouring chocolate in an effort to stay awake.

The funny (or maybe not-so-funny) thing was I never did go to sleep; I just closed my eyes for an hour while my mind raced through the things I could be doing if I were using the time more “wisely.”  I realized about forty-five minutes into this hour-long experiment that I probably wasn’t going to sleep so I should just enjoy the time off of my feet and daydream a bit – something I never could have done in my previous career.  And then it dawned on me.  This ability to nap in the middle of the day was one of my new job perks.  I may have lost my health insurance plan, 401k profit sharing account, life insurance coverage, bar association board memberships, ridiculous awards like “Super Lawyers” and “Legal Elite,” cell phone allowance, CLE reimbursements, and countless other benefits.  But I have gained the ability to use the children’s afternoon naptime how I see fit—whether that is tackling large household projects or reading my poor, neglected book (which funnily enough I did finally finish this afternoon during this failed siesta).  And while I didn’t fall asleep this afternoon, I felt much more rested and relaxed for the remainder of the day.  I was also able to take the time to just enjoy lying in the bed – a faint memory from my life pre-children.  There was a moment when I realized how wonderful that sensation truly was – the shades drawn with just hints of sunlight peeking into the room, the fan blowing, and my stretched body happily snug under the white comforter. 

Knowing myself, I feel certain this routine will in fact not become routine – I have a serious problem with needing to feel productive at any given moment during the day (probably another cause for my exhaustion).  But I am hoping that the next time I hit the wall, I will feel less guilt-ridden (ugh, I have become the clich√© woman/wife/mother/guilty ball of mess, haven’t I?) and can accept that time for just what it is – my perk!  This can only be helped by the fact that my wonderful husband whom I just kissed goodnight as he drove back to the office (at 9:00 pm) after coming home to help put the kids to bed laughed when I told him about my afternoon.  “You need to do that more!”  Yes, that’s coming from my completely sleep-deprived better half that I will not see again until morning.

PS – A happy, happy one year birthday to my “nephew” Harlan who was born to my best friend, Brooke, one year ago today (and nearly eight weeks early).  We love you, Harlan, and your incredible parents!

Don't you just want to scoop him up and snuggle those chubby cheeks!

1 comment:

  1. I often mean to nap during naptime, but usually have too many other things to do with that precious time and rarely actually nap. I do often take the time to get a little "me time" and do something that I want to do vs. something I need to do. Enjoy!