Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Raising my spirited son


I love everything about this picture—his smile, his adorably large head, his long legs undoubtedly inherited from his father.  George is nothing short of amazing and there are days when I am so grateful to have such a sweet, loving son and so very thankful I get to be a part of his development.

But then there are the other days—those days when George’s energy and spirit seem to be used directly and purposefully to test me.  Because while George’s physical traits are mirror images of Will, his emotional ups and downs are 100% me.  George has such happy, excited highs and such distraught and hysterical lows with very little in between.  When I say “black” he says “white;” when I ask him to do something, his first instinct is to say “no.”  Or, more accurately, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  And on the tougher days, like yesterday, I find myself at a complete loss of how to handle him.  Frances was a dream child at three-years-old—on the off-chance I had to correct her with a firm word or merely a stern expression, she immediately corrected her behavior and all was forgiven.  Conversely, George is unfazed by disappointing me.  The only leverage I have is taking away a favorite toy, putting him in time-out, and (I’m not proud to admit) spanking as a last resort.  In five years I have never spanked Frances.  In the last five days I have spanked George at least three times.  Boo me.

My fear with George is that this defiant behavior, if left uncorrected, will produce an exponentially more difficult adolescent and adult.  He is (nearly) 100% my responsibility; if he goes astray, I have no one to blame but myself.  But an even greater fear than that (yep, it gets worse … at least in my head) is that I am not doing this parenting-thing right at all.  Because, so far, my techniques don’t appear to be working.  Maybe George’s personality deserves more than I know how to give.  Surely there is a better way to harness his incredible passion and turn it into something positive and inspiring rather than the daily downward spiral of a power struggle.  There has to be a more constructive way to handle him other than losing my cool and putting him in time-out for the nth time that morning.  It’s stressful; it’s tiring; it’s just not fun; and I’m constantly aware of how much it takes away from Frances.  George deserves better and no doubt Frances deserves a better parenting role model and a happier little brother.



I love them enough to know that I don’t know enough.  I’m deferring to the experts on this one and will gladly accept any advice from any of you.  If nothing else, I plan to read some of the recommended books about children like George and look forward to reporting back from the other side.



Happy Wednesday, everyone!

8 comments:

  1. Mine is 2, and I am already feeling so many of the same things. He's so different from his sister and I am trying to figure out how to nip things in the bud early. Let me know if you recommend the book!

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    1. I will!! And let me know if you've heard of any other books - that's one of the few recommendations that I've had.

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  2. I have read and can recommend "Raising Your Spirited Child" and can also recommend looking at the Yale Parenting Center site. The book (which escapes my memory at the moment) is an easy read and details out how to reward the very specific positive behaviors that you want and thus minimize the negatives. We have used the point system from the book rather successfully. Of course, when we slack off on the point chart, the behaviors creep back in, but at least we have a tool. On the bright side, all the studies say that children who are strong-willed are less likely to succumb to peer pressure when they are older... Good luck!

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    1. Thanks, Carla! It's funny you mention the peer pressure positive trait because that is something I worry about with Frances. She is such a people-pleaser, which makes for easy parenting now, but I know could lead to other issues down the road. I guess it just goes to show that there is ALWAYS something to worry about with your kids.

      And thank you also for the recommendations - I'll definitely look into them!

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  3. Oh, sister. I've thought about offering "advice" or whatever but I don't know that I really have any. I can only empathize. It's hard, it's exhausting, it's demoralizing. But I have to believe that raising a "spirited" child will be ultimately rewarding.

    Yes, there are many positives to raising a child with these traits, but it's so, so, so hard to remember that when you're in the heat of the moment. I laugh when I hear other parents say things like "Oh, but I would never spank." And that's all well and good, but in my head, I think, "Yes but you don't have a Will." It's perplexing and frustrating to try to punish a child whose motivation is still a mystery, who doesn't consistently respond to any type of discipline. (That sounds crazy until you see that it really does happen for some children, including my oldest, apparently.)

    I will say that three was the hardest age for Will, far and away. It's not easy by any means now that he's a few years older, but it does get better. Slowly. Part of it is that I've tried really hard to not see his behavior as something that has to be stopped immediately and forever. Living with Will has been more of an overall lifestyle change, to put a more positive spin on things. I try to focus on the things that really matter (being nice to his sister, speaking to us respectfully, doing his chores, etc) and I'm learning to just let the little things go. The more I'm nagging and yelling and punishing, the less he's listening. And I can't necessarily say that I blame him.

    I've read a few books but I hesitate to recommend them. Not because they weren't good, per se, but some of what they suggested just felt off to me, somehow. I really have no idea what I'm doing but I'm inclined to take my chances by taking it minute by minute and going with my instincts. It's imperfect, yes, but it's all I've got for the most part. (And I don't mean that to say that you shouldn't read this book.) That said, though, if this book turns out to be good, please let me know and I'll throw my silly intuition out the window.

    Just know that you're not alone in this. I'm right there with you. Keep on keeping on. And keep us posted!

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    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you my dear friend. I can't tell you what that means to hear you say this, particularly since I know you've been through this for two more years than I have. I actually just put the book you recommended a year or so ago ("The Way of the Boy" or something?) on my wish list. I'm getting desperate and even if no one book will have all of the answers I can't help but think I'll get something out of the good ones? I'm also glad to hear that three was bad for you guys, too. Frances was a dream child at 3 (and of course, I had no idea at the time. Oh, the irony) so I had high hopes for George to magically step in line and appreciate the consequences of his actions. Some days are good; others I find myself wishing the time away until he is in school full-time (or even, *gasp*, wondering if I should go back to work. You know it's bad when I think along those lines). I'll keep forging along and will definitely keep you posted (and you do the same!) The good news for both of us is that our boys are doing great in other environments. Mine just (lovingly) saves his worst behavior for his mother. Thanks, kid.

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  4. My spirited girl is 4 today... I'm hoping she turns a corner on her behavior, too.

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    1. Happy birthday to your adorable daughter! Let me know if/when you find the secret : )

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